4 Step To Be Free From Your Childhood Trauma — #5 Survival Guide As Domestic Childhood Survivor
For me, the most important thing when writing is, to be honest with myself. I always thought, Is this really how I feel? when I’m writing this. and I also know that there’s a lot that I have to improve if I am to provide you with a more compelling story.
Yet, I also understand that no matter how bad this writing is, I have to tell this story, I consider that as my obligation to you, that has a similar kind of suffering. It might not mean much, but I hope I can help.
But for you to be released from your childhood trauma there are one key concept you have to understand
A Brief History Of Me
I found that it is impossible to stay sane with my childhood trauma. It was easy to get pissed at something trivial, easy to get sad, and somehow I always view everything negatively, it is very difficult for me to be optimistic.
I still remember vividly when I was a small boy, my mother bathed me with my little brothers. I was joking to her that I don’t want to take a bath, I mean that as a joke, usually she just smiled and told me to do it anyway.
But at that time she was instantaneously snapped, she was angry, oh, I can see that in her face. She then grabbed my arm, dragged me outside the bathroom, and went on until outside of my house.
That she threw me naked on the ground. If you don’t want to get a bath, then stay outside all night, she said to me while yelling.
I still remember vividly to this day that memory and I don’t think I will ever forget that.
Don’t despair yet, there is good news! The pain can go away, even that memory will likely last as long as I live, but then with luck, I am successfully free of that pain by embracing a whole new philosophy of good and evil, a new philosophy of life.
Understanding Your Pain
Before you search for your new life philosophy, it is better if you understand what kind of pain is caused by your childhood trauma.
For those of you who live in the west, it should be easier to access a professional worker to diagnose what kind of mental illness that you suffered. But for us in the global south, it is not that easy.
Often people who experience domestic violence in their childhood suffer from PTSD, ADHD, and other mental illnesses. For countries like Indonesia (my home) and other similar places, it is not easy to find what your illness is.
But if I am thinking about that again it is because you still love your past self and are unable to detach from your past self. That is my case.
It is frustrating because you are living in the tension between love & hate. For me, I cannot let go because what makes it valuable is if I am to denounce my past, then what things that I can hold on to?
It feels like I am losing identity to detach from the past. It is frightening, part of the fear comes from I cannot orient my life as it used to be. That is my thought. Then, I think to myself again, how come this shit life makes me want to hold on to its because my mind cannot understand what else I can hold on to.
This is a very frightening process.
My inability to let go is partly because I was leaving in the tension, it is like a love-hate relationship with my past. I hate it but still love it.
And to answer this question I am starting a journey.
Detaching From The Past
To detach from my past I think I need to make myself careless, so how can I do that?
I turn to Koran and prayer to find this answer, as well as reading a lot of literature to find the way. From the Koran I found several points:
- A human is a place for disappointment, it doesn’t matter if it’s your parent, lover, brother, sister and so on, one day they will disappoint you, small and big
- Life is a joke, no matter how to struggle you are with life, how hard you fought for it, eventually it will become one of your jokes to be laughed at.
- Suffering is the default theme of life ( at least that is what I know).
I consider this as a reality, a takeaway of it. However, I still cannot be free even though I already embracing it.
If you feel the same way it is because something your inability to let go of the past, so did I.
For me the answer to how can I detach from my past is very simple, I just love it too much, so the logic is to love something less I have to find other things that I can love more.
However, it won’t be easy to find things that you can love more. I have a teacher that taught me about life but it is impossible to love him more than my mother. This is a challenge a childhood domestic violence has to overcome.
So, with that in mind, I am looking for something to love more.
Something To Love More
I have to tell you that is a weird process for me when the answer came. I just finished my research and frankly, I was desperate, even though I understand what kind of mental illness I was suffered and I understand what was caused, I still can’t find the answer.
So, During night prayer I break down in tears because I can’t figure it out. And I am praying to Allah to help me find this answer. Then something weird happens.
You know when you speak to yourself, you know that voices that talking in your head are your own, right.
However during that time, there was some kind of female voices talking in my head, it is a very weird feeling. I don’t know who she is or what kind of being and I was sure that I never heard her voice before, especially not in my head.
But there was something she said that help me a lot to cope and be freed from my childhood trauma, she said:
“It is wrong to love your parent most, you should love Allah most”
Instantly I feel relief, and I think yes of course, how can I be so stupid not to think about that.
People are a place for disappointment to take hold, eventually, it will happen, and I disappoint so much with the persons I love most, I was incapable to see that.
I’m not considering that voice is divine nor mystic, I just don’t know and I never heard from her again in my head, just that one time but it is enough to set me free.
I want to go somewhere without the burden of childhood trauma, I don’t want to be shackled forever with my childhood domestic violence experience. I want to be free and go somewhere where all of this does not matter. I was very tired, all of this is weighing me down.
And for me coming home to Allah is the only viable option. I am now free from those scars. I don’t know if I am fully healed yet.
A New Philosophy To See Life
It won’t be easy for you to see life in a new way, it is involved in a process of reinventing yourself over and over.
As a human everything has to make sense for us to accept and that is including what happens to us.
So the aim to create this brand philosophy is to make sense of everything bad that happened to me. As a Muslim, Koran to me is the highest truth that came from Allah, and some passages said, Human, is a place for disappointment. Well, I’m sure you will agree with that if you have childhood trauma.
Please understand that we cannot go back to the past to mend everything bad that happens to us, we can only move forward.
So, the only way to go forward is to reinvent ourselves over and over again until we are free from that childhood trauma. And to achieve that we have to build our new philosophy to see life.
For me, the answer is to love Allah the most. But I do understand it might not be the answer you want, you may be not satisfied with the answer at all, and that’s okay.
You alone have to find your answer to make sense of everything bad that happened to you.
I write this because I want to tell you that I am free at last and also I want to help you achieve that. I hope that my story can help you to find the answer.
And this series of How To Survive Childhood Trauma, especially to you that suffered domestic violence finally ends. This writing will be my last writing on this subject, It is not easy to write down the experience.
I know my writing needs a lot of improvement here and there, but this is the best I can do today, and please forgive me if my bad writing is uncomfortable to read, but I want to help.
I wish you luck on your journey, I sincerely hope that you strive not only to survive but also to be free.
The earlier story of surviving childhood trauma:
I am very sorry guys, It’s been a hectic week, but I keep my best to deliver my promise. After this, I will write about technology and psychology. Hope you will be alright and good luck.
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