Understanding Your Own Past Scar #1- A Series of How To Survive as Childhood Domestic Violence Survivor
There are gloomy feelings that follow you, it may seem like a dark cloud, sometimes it descends upon you, blocking your view to see the bright future and your happy end. As such, the view and condition of people who carried their scar of the past, yet healed.
My name is Zaki, I’m a childhood domestic violence survivor. I write this for people out there that have not been healed yet from their past scars. We may be strangers, readers. But I hope there is something that helps heal you within this writing, for whatever it is you struggle with.
I know how you feel, I know the feeling of dread that haunts you, as if you let the guard down that feeling will manifest as a demon that will bring you into a room you know well. A room without windows is a place for you to dwell in despair.
The pain is coming back, it is always coming back. We cannot be truly happy, as if something blocks our way from happiness and prevents us from seeing the way to achieve it.
This is what it feels like if you got PTSD. That is my life six years ago, when I didn’t know what happened to me, I used to feel like I wanted to die young, life is meaningless, there is no love nor reason to look for beauty.
Do you feel the same way?
A Dark Room With No Windows
If you feel the same way I described it to you, there is a high chance that you actually suffer from PTSD.
For me, it feels like there is something gloomy that is hovering in the air, no matter where I go or what I do. Don’t you feel there is some kind of a burden that prevents you from being free of this sadness?
And then just a little hardship.
Most of the time we feel ok, then just a little hardship, something that makes you upset, then those gloomy feelings turn into a demon that drags you to the room.
Suddenly all of the past sadness gathers at the moment, all those pain that you have hidden but not gone also come, those anger you held all those years, mixed at the moment, and burn your heart.
In these moments you are breaking down, all those feelings overwhelm you and this happens over and over again, just like a curse.
I am living in a nightmare. PTSD is a nightmare.
Do you feel the same way?
My Inability To Tell Others
Do you have somebody to tell you this sort of thing? I got none of that. if you have, then good for you.
You know, having your own parents abuse you feels like a scandal, something that you are incapable of telling others. You just don’t.
This is my first time writing about that. It was something shameful but there are things that happened that make me think though that, it is the death of Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell.
Those guys are my favorite vocalists, and both of them take their own lives. Both of them have similar child abuse experiences, I know the scar isn’t healed and I know what kind of pain they have been living through.
I don’t want to see the same kind of suffering to cause a person to take their own life. It is hurtful but yet understandable, I see their pain, I feel their pain. Just don’t do that! Because there is a way, there is hope!
Finding Hope
Forgive me, if I bring back bad memories but I think I should tell you this because I wanna make you understand that I understand your pain, I was living in the same hell hole six years ago and there is hope.
I hope with this bad writing that somebody on the internet understands what you have been through and would like to help.
You know I see a lot of Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube, in one of the personality videos he explains that in order for someone to heal from PTSD they have to create a sophisticated philosophy of good and evil.
Ah! I said.
If I have to summarize my process of healing from PTSD it is that.
But it is easy to say but difficult to do.
The key here is to transform yourself, but the first step toward healing is to understand your scar.
I think westerners like in the USA and EU will find it easier to find help from the pros. Unlike in the global south.
The hardest truth for me to swallow is all of this pain because I love my mother so much. For soldiers, it may be because of love for their country, in the workplace may be because you put high hope and aspirations into your work.
It is your own job to figure the roots of all the pain you suffer.
Alan Watts said life is not a journey, more like a dance but I think life will become a journey if we set the destination and get on with it. So take your journey with me, let us start the journey to healing ourselves.
For me to get out of this nightmare is very difficult, I do it on my own, there is no information on how to do it, what to do, or even understand why I felt that way. Back then in Indonesia mental health issues were not very known to the public and difficult to get orders too. There are psychologists and psychiatrists, but they are expensive, unlike today.
I should thank mental health issue writers that make it easy to find online and help me free myself from those shackles.
This is a letter from me to you, who haven’t found the way to make all of that stops. I will show you the best way I could.
See you in the next article, I will try my best to show up every week. This is my first time writing an English article so your criticisms and suggestions would be valuable to me, please tell me in the comment section below. It will help me a lot.
Regards
