Understanding Mental State You’re Livin — #2 A story how to survive as childhood Domestic Violence Survivor
There are no two sides to love, only when it is broken, then love transforms into hate.
Every hurtful feeling you get is coming from some kind of love. It may be your hope or something else. It may come from your aspirations being ignored or worse, an abusive relationship.
Welcome to my second story of how to survive as a childhood domestic violence survivor. In this writing, I would like to address what caused so
much misery? What are the roots? and how can you move forward?
Is It Still Hurting You Today?
Everybody who has PTSD understands that there’s a vicious cycle they’re living. Our inability to free ourselves from this ghost of the past, hinder a lot of our life. Not good at all.
Having PTSD prevents a lot of progress in my life. I am always tired, unable to feel optimistic, cannot sleep early, and overall just feeling pessimistic. How could you feel optimistic with all the shit you have been through?
Life goes on without waiting, I see my friend get a job, get married, they are moving forward, while I am stuck in this vicious cycle. talking about adding anxiety and depression, huh.
Sometimes that hurtful memories haunt you, they come uninvited while you are down in this life. At the moment it seems best to just end my life. But I cannot do that.
I watched several movies that helped me a lot back then. I see other people struggle and suffer in the movie.
Rocky helped me a lot through life. Through that movie, I understand that it is okay to get beaten all the time as long as I don’t give up. This is a very strong message for me to carry on with life.
“Life is not about how hard you can hit, it is about how hard you can get hit, and continue moving forward.” — Rocky Balboa
It is strange to get such a message from a movie that was made several decades ago that I watched late at night on the tv. Such is the power of a story that resonates with you, it might help you.
Rocky helped me to carry on but life is still not that easy.
The First Step To Be Free From PTSD
I told you already that the key to being free from PTSD is you have to transform yourself, you have to make a new view of this world, the end goal is to make sense of everything that happened to you.
But building yourself a brand new worldview is not easy, not in the least. This is why all of this process will take quite a long journey.
For those of you who live in Europe and the USA, I think it is still easier to get that, you have plenty of resources to learn with but in a country like Indonesia, there are no such vast resources to learn about PTSD yourself. Good Things local clinics have affordable psychologists today in Indonesia.
But I think for most people, the most common theme, if you want to be free of PTSD shackles, is to transform yourself.
Ummm, how?
What will make this transformation difficult is the fact that what you will need is not development, it is a freaking transformation….there is something in you that has to change radically.
The reason is that the pain that haunts you comes from love, as simple as that.
Do you think something that you didn’t care about will hurt you this bad?
Living In Tension Of Love & Hate
Why are you haunted by those pain and occasionally when things get hurtful a demon manifests and brings you to the dark room without windows?
You are living in the tension.
Of what? Love and Hate of course.
To leave the tension, you need to see a different way of what’s happening to you.
So the most valuable question for you right now is how to see differently?
Remember what you loved most?
For me, it is my mother, even though this whole time our relationship developed into a complicated love/hate relationship because of something she did in the past (the act of domestic violence) to me, I still very much love her.
I realized that my inability to change love is what drives my suffering. I regretted how something so terrible could happen to me. What was my fault that made me through the terrible shit?
Life is shitty after all. At least in early life for me.
It is also important to understand that whatever caused your domestic violence or PTSD is none of your fault. Shit happens, even the most hurtful.
It is love you have to see differently, it is your father? Your mother?
Whoever did that, you have to be able to love them less. That is the only way.
Where To Go From Now
This is when you need to build philosophy to see the world differently and I don’t mean you have to change yourself. You just need to make the pain go away.
To build your brand new world view there are several key concepts you have to realize:
- What is your biggest love? For me, it’s my parent, so why there are hurtful when they are hurting me
- What view make you accept your dark past
- None of these is your fault
This is the first step to detach from past love and see them in a new light. However it won’t be easy, your heart will intuitively say this is not the right path.
But the other side of you screams to get better and remove from these shackles. Against living in the tension and you are sometimes going to get better but also other times rolling back to the left, where your suffering is.
So, I hope by this writing I gave you a destination where to go. I hope I can help with this writing.
This is the second story of this series, read the first one here:
How To Understand Your Past Scar And Be Healed, The First Step.
As always this is my second English writing, so please give some feedback so I can write better for you. Thanks. See you in the third wiring of this series.
